How to Handle a Team Member Who Undermines You
To handle a team member who undermines you, first confirm the pattern with specific examples rather than a feeling, then raise it privately and early. Describe the behaviour, its impact and what you need instead. Stay curious about the reasons, because undermining often comes from disappointment or fear. If it continues after a clear conversation, move to a documented performance process.
Few things shake a leader like a team member who questions your decisions in front of others, goes around you to your manager, or quietly signals to colleagues that you are not up to the job. It feels personal, and the temptation is either to ignore it or to come down hard.
Neither works well. Ignoring it tells the team the behaviour is acceptable. Coming down hard without a conversation can make you look insecure. The approach below sits between the two.
Undermining is a pattern, not a disagreement
Undermining is repeated behaviour that weakens your authority or credibility. Healthy challenge is valuable, and a team that never pushes back is a bigger problem. The difference lies in where, how and how often the pushback happens.
| Healthy challenge | Undermining |
|---|---|
| Disagrees with you in the meeting, openly and with reasons | Agrees in the meeting, then criticises the decision afterwards |
| Raises concerns with you first | Takes concerns to your manager without speaking to you |
| Questions an idea | Questions your competence, often in front of others |
| Accepts a decision once it is made | Delays or quietly ignores decisions they dislike |
| Shares information openly | Withholds information you need |
Collect two or three specific examples before you act
A feeling is not enough to start a fair conversation. Write down specific incidents: what happened, when, who was present and what the effect was. Two or three clear examples are more useful than a long list, and they protect you if the situation escalates.
While you collect them, look honestly at your own part. Did you take a role this person wanted? Have you changed something they built? Are you more guarded with them than with others? The answers do not excuse the behaviour, but they help you open the conversation with understanding.
Raise it privately in five moves
Set it up neutrally
Ask for a private conversation without alarm bells: 'Could we take thirty minutes tomorrow? There's something I'd like to talk through with you.' Avoid doing it straight after an incident, while you are still angry.
Describe the behaviour, not the person
'In Tuesday's meeting with finance, you described the budget figures as guesswork in front of the team. Last week, you raised the shift rota with my manager rather than with me.'
Explain the impact
'When that happens, the team gets mixed messages about decisions, and it makes it harder for us to work well together.'
Ask, then listen
'Help me understand what's going on from your side.' Then stop talking. You may hear frustration about being passed over, real disagreement with your direction, or something you did not know about.
Agree what happens next
'I want you to challenge me. I need you to do it with me directly, in the room. Can we agree on that?' Close with a specific commitment from both of you and a date to check in.
Why people undermine a leader
Understanding the reason does not mean accepting the behaviour, but it shapes the right response. These are the motives that come up most often.
- They wanted your job. Disappointment can turn into resistance. Acknowledge their experience and give them meaningful scope. The guide on managing former peers after a promotion covers this dynamic in depth.
- They disagree with your direction. Give their objections a proper hearing, then make clear that a decision, once made, is a decision.
- They are loyal to a previous leader. Respect the history while setting your own expectations.
- They feel threatened. Your changes may seem to reduce their influence. Clarity about their role helps.
- They are testing you. Some people push to see where the boundaries are. Calm, consistent responses settle this fastest.
Respond in the moment without escalating
Sometimes undermining happens in a meeting and you cannot wait for a private conversation. A calm, brief response protects your authority without turning the meeting into a contest. Keep a few lines ready:
- 'That's a fair question. Let's take it offline after this meeting so we can go through it properly.'
- 'I hear the concern. The decision stands for now, and I'm happy to revisit it with the data at our next review.'
- 'I'd like to hear everyone's view on this before we go further.'
Seniority and family ties change the approach in Gulf teams
Respect for seniority is a strong norm in many Gulf workplaces. That makes it harder when the person undermining you is older, longer-serving or well connected, for example in a family-owned business where they have a relationship with the owners. Public confrontation would usually backfire. A private, respectful conversation that acknowledges their experience is far more likely to work.
In multicultural teams, what one person sees as healthy challenge another may read as disrespect. Before concluding that someone is undermining you, check whether you share the same expectations about how disagreement is expressed. The guide on leading team members older than you offers more on the seniority side.
Reactions that make undermining worse
- Calling it out in public. It shames the person and turns colleagues into an audience.
- Going straight to HR or your manager. Without a direct conversation first, you look unable to manage your own team.
- Freezing them out. Excluding the person from meetings or information confirms their story that you feel threatened.
- Discussing them with others in the team. It creates factions and undermines you in turn.
- Letting it run for months. The longer it continues, the more the team accepts it as normal.
Escalate fairly if the behaviour continues
If the behaviour continues after a clear conversation and a follow-up, it has become a performance issue. Document each incident and each conversation, involve HR and set clear written expectations with a timeline. Tell your own manager early, so they are not surprised if the person goes to them.
Escalation is not a failure. It is part of protecting the team. What matters is that you gave the person a real chance first, and that you can show it.
Example: a new head of department and a long-serving supervisor
Imagine a newly appointed head of department in a government entity whose most experienced supervisor contradicts her in meetings and takes issues straight to the director. She records three incidents over a month, then invites him for a private coffee.
She opens by acknowledging his long service and asks what he thinks is not working. He admits he expected to be consulted on the restructure and was not. They agree that he will lead the review of shift patterns and that disagreements come to her first. The behaviour does not vanish overnight, but it becomes rare. This scenario is illustrative, not a real case.
How coaching helps when someone undermines you
Being undermined tends to stir up old doubts about authority and belonging, and those doubts can push you to be either too soft or too hard. Coaching gives you a confidential place to separate the facts from the sting, plan your words and practise them.
Conflict management coaching is built for situations like this one. For the wider performance side, see the guide on how to manage a difficult employee.
Rula Husseini is an Executive Leadership & Mindset Coach (ICF PCC) based in Manama, Bahrain, with 26+ years in leadership, HR and talent development and 4,500+ coaching hours. She coaches executives, emerging leaders and teams in Arabic and English, in person and online.
Credentials and training →Frequently asked questions
How do I know if a team member is undermining me or just disagreeing?
Look at where and how the disagreement happens. Open challenge in the room, with reasons, is healthy. Repeated criticism behind your back, going around you, or questioning your competence rather than your ideas is undermining.
Should I tell my manager that someone is undermining me?
Yes, but usually after you have spoken to the person directly, unless the behaviour is serious misconduct. Keep it factual and say what you have already done. Your manager will want to know you are handling it, not handing it to them.
What if the person undermining me is a high performer?
Results do not exempt anyone from the team's standards. Acknowledge their contribution in the conversation, but be clear that how they work with you matters too. A high performer who undermines a leader often shapes the whole team's culture.
Can undermining be unintentional?
Sometimes. A person may not realise how their comments land, especially across cultures or after a change in reporting lines. A private conversation that describes specific behaviour often resolves unintentional undermining quickly.
What if the undermining continues after I've spoken to them?
Hold a second conversation that names the pattern and the consequences, then confirm expectations in writing. If it still continues, move to your organisation's formal performance process with HR support.
Related
Conflict Management Coaching
Conflict management coaching for leaders who want to address tension directly while protecting working relationships. Understand your conflict patterns.
How to Manage a Difficult Employee
How to manage a difficult employee: describe the behaviour precisely, check your part, hold a clear conversation and follow up fairly before involving HR.
How to Manage Former Peers After a Promotion
Promoted above old colleagues? How to manage former peers: a one-to-one script, friendship boundaries and what to do if one of them wanted the job.
How to Lead Team Members Older Than You
How to lead team members older than you without deferring or overcompensating: what to say first, how to use their experience and still own the decisions.
How to Give Difficult Feedback to an Employee
How to give difficult feedback to an employee: what to prepare, a word-for-word opening, how to handle tears or defensiveness, and how to agree a change.
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